This is about a rave I went to last June. It was only my second rave, and only my second time taking rolls. In my inexperience, I accidentally bought a roll that consisted of piperazines, and had an extremely intense experience.
I got to the party around 10 pm, to find a massive line around the building. Several hundred people were there. After I got in I wandered around my surroundings and asked around to see where I could obtain ecstasy. I eventually found an acquaintance and bought one “orange elephant” pill.
I ingested the pill at some time around 11-11:30. (I did not have any source of time with me, but this is a rough estimate) I did not really feel much for a little while, and spent my time dancing to the music and talking with friends. Finally while I was dancing I started to feel something, and I got a burst of energy. (As I look back now, this was probably partially the effect of placebo and this being my second rave, although I was definitely feeling SOMETHING) I spent a great deal of time dancing nonstop to a DJ spinning some drum and bass. I did not realize how much energy I was using in dancing and did not realize how tired I was until a while later. I took a break and got water, and after this I went and sat in a chill room that was in the building, where a DJ was playing some downtempo music. I talked to some strangers and had a lot of fun conversing with them. I remember one fond moment where I had my eyes closed, looked next to me, and saw a guy twice my age smiling at everything. He then smiled at me, I smiled back, and then I closed my eyes again. The mutual display of happiness made me feel warm inside. Even though I did feel energy and minor empathy, the experience was definitely different and not as intense as what I had experienced when I first rolled two months earlier, which I believe was with a very good pill.
Anyways, I spent more time wandering around and dancing, and then I very quickly came down from my pill, dropped from the high I was feeling. The time was probably only around 1:30 or 2. I then felt EXTREMELY irritated and a little bit depressed. The pill definitely couldn’t have been MDMA. I still have no idea what the pill consisted of. A search on pillreports brought up no “orange elephants” from this time period. I think the pill was probably something stimulant-related, and the feeling of empathy I imagined was probably just the result of hopeful thoughts created by placebo. I know a few of my friends took the orange elephants too and had a great time, but they did take more than one. Maybe there was a very small amount of MDMA in the pill, but I guess I will never really know. The experience was very confusing for me, since the rolling experience I had two months earlier lasted hours, with a great afterglow. However, there was SOMETHING in the pill, since I did feel a bad and quick comedown. I think placebo was involved but it was DEFINITELY not all placebo.
At this point I was in a pretty bad mood. I still talked to a lot of people, but it was difficult feeling connected to them. I felt strung out and depressed. I told some people that my roll had already wore off. I was feeling very disappointed, and wanted to buy another roll. After some more searching I found a girl who was selling yellow pills shaped like stars from Mario video games, complete with two eye indents in the middle. I told her I was disappointed with the orange elephant and she assured me that these were better, even saying that they were “molly.” This perked my interests so I bought the pill without a second thought. I was excited to take a better pill.
Looking back I was such a novice at the time. This was only my second rave, and I was oblivious to pill information, and would believe anyone. Obviously the pill was not molly, as molly is really supposed to come in powder.
(To interject here, a search on pillreports now for the yellow Mario star proves that this is in fact, a piperazine pill. Many people say that it is most likely BZP and TFMPP combined.)
I bit half and swallowed, and the taste really stayed in my mouth. (As I look back now, I know that this was the signature taste exhibited by the notorious piperazines many people hate) The time was probably around 2 or 2:30. I sat down with a friend as I waited for the pill to kick in, still in a pretty depressed mood from the other pill. In only a short wait, I suddenly felt very intense rushing coursing up my spine, very similar to what I had felt when I had rolled two months earlier. I abruptly stood up and got very excited. The feelings of true MDMA were about to return to my mind and body.
Soon after, however, the rushes stopped and everything suddenly slowed down to a crawl. I felt like I was in another world. Coherent thought was nonexistent. Walking was difficult, and I felt like a zombie straight from a George Romero film. I knew that this was DEFINITELY not MDMA. While I had the benefit of the doubt with the other pill, I knew this was something entirely different. I felt alienated and distanced from everyone around me. I ventured to the chill room and for what seemed like eternity, stood in one spot spinning my Astrojax toy over and over in the same manner. The best way I could describe this was that my mode of thought was smashed with a hammer and replaced with white noise. I had never tripped before this night, but I thought that what I was feeling seemed more like what people describe tripping as than anything else. I did not see or hear anything nonexistent but I definitely FELT like I was in another world. I felt completely emotionless and indifferent to everything. If someone suddenly died I would probably barely notice. It was as if I had become a completely apathetic zombie that could not display any real emotion. Internal dialogue was SCREAMING, and relaxation was impossible.
After a long time of playing with my Astrojax I stumbled over to the room next to the chill room and found some kids I had briefly talked to earlier. I was feeling completely messed up and I needed some people to talk with, so I sat down with them. For the next couple hours we mumbled words to one another and bonded together. They also had the yellow Mario stars and were in the same boat as me. One of the girls was so messed up that she lay on her back staring at the ceiling with this almost horrified expression for most of the time. At one point we tried to get up and go into the next room and dance to the music. I tried dancing, but I felt extremely sick after only a couple minutes and needed to sit back down, so we went back to the other room once more.
I remember I could barely form sentences and instead just mumbled a few incoherent words here and there. The jaw-clenching was unbearable, and I kept spinning my body in a circle as I sat on the ground. It was like my very being had fully embodied a feeling of intense and nervous anxiety. I remember a few of my friends saw me and excitedly waved hello, and all I did was stare at them. I could not even really feel happy to see them. I remember that was a very messed up occurrence.
I kept staring at one of the girls I was sitting with, and she kept staring at me. It was like we were communicating through just eye contact, and I remember starting to feel as though I was falling in love with her. We gave each other back massages, and I remember really feeling like I was in love with her. I felt like I was irritated by everything and that the group I was with, and especially this one girl, were beams of light in the darkness. At one point the girl went to go smoke a cigarette outside and I remember being scared that I wouldn’t see her again. Two of my friends that I came to the rave with sat with me for a little, and I remember telling them I was sorry if I was acting really strange. I tried to describe what I was feeling, but it was very difficult.
The night was slowly coming to a close and the rave was almost over. I somehow stumbled over to the bathroom and remember seeing myself in the mirror. I looked disgusting and really worn out. I remember peeing for the first time since hours and hours ago, and it was very difficult to do so. The urinary retention was bad.
I was now stumbling around the building. It was 5 am, and there was only an hour left until the rave ended. I went in one room and heard happy hardcore music, and this pissed me off a lot. That was the last straw. I was going out to the car.
Right before I went outside there was this guy who had to be in his late 20’s laying down by the exit. A friend I was with and I stopped and looked at him. He stumbled to his feet, only to fall back down again. He told us in this demented, creepy voice, “I am SO fucked up right now.” Rather than this being comical or somewhat funny, I found it very disturbing. Here was an adult man who could not even walk, and the party was practically over. He then told us that he had eaten twelve rolls, of four different types. I told him good luck, and went out to the car.
The people I had met earlier and sat with for hours were outside waiting for someone to pick them up. I went and sat with them and tried laughing at the crazy night that had just happened. At this point my mind would trick me into feeling sober, but then I would slide right back into the demonic piperazine mindset. I hugged all of my new friends as they left, and got their numbers in order to stay in touch. I am still friends with that group to this day.
Then I waited in the van I came in until all my friends had finally left the building. I was extremely irritable and felt intense annoyance, bordering on hatred, for everything.
The hour and a half car ride was a hell ride. Most of my friends still felt pretty good and were excitedly talking to each other the whole time. Their happiness pissed me off, and their loud voices were unbearable. I sat with my head in my hands and tried my hardest to relax, but I couldn’t. It was like the white noise in my head had gotten even louder. I remember telling them about how messed up I felt, and we were trying to brainstorm what could have been in the Mario star. None of us had ever heard of piperazines before, so we obviously didn’t even think of it. I honestly convinced myself that the pill had heroin in it. It was the only drug that seemed similar to what I was feeling. I had never done heroin before, but I had read about it, and I honestly thought my experience seemed similar. Looking back, I was definitely being a novice again, because I now know that heroin is VERY rarely in a roll, if ever. It is pretty scary, however, that I actually thought that I had gotten heroin.
When I finally arrived at my house I remember that I was scared I would have to deal with my parents, as I wouldn’t be able to even at this time. Luckily, I didn’t even see them and I went straight up to my room. I then lay trying to sleep for the whole morning. I was in a state of being half asleep, half awake, and I remember I felt like my mind and thoughts were put into overdrive, internal dialogue still screaming. Being by myself made me less irritated, but more internally focused, which was a little scary. I remember going on facebook and incoherently browsing around for a few minutes. Mentally, I felt terribly sick. I could not relax at all, and I felt like I was having a psychotic episode. After hours of lying in this state, I finally got up around 12:30 pm and went downstairs to take a shower. Ten hours after I took the HALF pill and I finally felt SOMEWHAT sober.
The whole day I felt very lethargic, and I barely ate. I remember being amazed after discovering I had lost five pounds in one night, when I weighed myself in my bathroom.
This night really was an awakening for me, as it exposed me to the dark side of rave and drug culture. My first rave was filled with smiling people, and an amazing ecstasy experience. My second rave was filled with a bunch of messed up teenagers and very dirty pills. Piperazines are definitely MDMA’s evil, satanic twins. MDMA is an innocent and fun, cute little being while piperazines are an evil and demonic beast straight from hell. I do not regret my experience in any way, as it was an extremely interesting night, and I met some amazing people. However, I never want to experience the piperazine mindset ever again. I hope other people will learn from my mistake and be more knowledgeable about the rolls they consume.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Reality
I walked down the surreal, stuttering landscape; stuttering and gasping for the last few breaths of air before she would be dead forever. The mood was in the air that something was amiss, a rip in the veil of the fabric that is our reality. No one really knew what, and I came to find that no one really seemed to care. I arrived at the supermarket, and walked down among the countless aisles around me. Towers of consumerism laid out from shelf to shelf, enveloping any careless animal that decided to wander to this masterpiece of consumerist obsession. I saw the men walk in. Men? I don’t even know if they were human. But I saw them walk in. They each carried a massive weapon, some sort of gun, but more severe than a gun. Did the other shoppers even see what was going on among them? Scarily hypnotized by the uselessness of petty human comforts, caught in a trance by these myriads of material decadence, the fight or flight response and any useful form of thinking was rendered oblivious.
I didn’t say anything to anyone because I guess I just didn’t have the interest. I got out of there though, I didn’t want to stand around all day wasting away in the temple of tainted life, the sanctuary of human sanitization. For some odd reason there were a bunch of people outside the supermarket, waiting for something. Well, I guess it wasn’t such an odd reason, considering it was the end of the world; or at least the end of an era or something.
I really wanted to see that building explode. I saw a few friends and chatted as I tried to hide my primal urges. I wanted the blood, the destruction.
I don’t want to wake up.
I don’t want to wake up.
I don’t want to wake up.
I’ve always thought this is where I belonged. In the dreamworld. My reality. What is reality anyways? Reality is whatever you want it to be. And in my reality the world is about to end, it’s always about to end. Catastrophic danger. No big deal. Just another day. We all shrug it off here.
I don’t want to wake up.
But I slowly start to lose composure and my world fades to black. Everything I wanted, fading to black. Sometimes it makes me sad when I get so close, but what can I do? What can I do? I can wake up.
And I do.
I didn’t say anything to anyone because I guess I just didn’t have the interest. I got out of there though, I didn’t want to stand around all day wasting away in the temple of tainted life, the sanctuary of human sanitization. For some odd reason there were a bunch of people outside the supermarket, waiting for something. Well, I guess it wasn’t such an odd reason, considering it was the end of the world; or at least the end of an era or something.
I really wanted to see that building explode. I saw a few friends and chatted as I tried to hide my primal urges. I wanted the blood, the destruction.
I don’t want to wake up.
I don’t want to wake up.
I don’t want to wake up.
I’ve always thought this is where I belonged. In the dreamworld. My reality. What is reality anyways? Reality is whatever you want it to be. And in my reality the world is about to end, it’s always about to end. Catastrophic danger. No big deal. Just another day. We all shrug it off here.
I don’t want to wake up.
But I slowly start to lose composure and my world fades to black. Everything I wanted, fading to black. Sometimes it makes me sad when I get so close, but what can I do? What can I do? I can wake up.
And I do.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
DXM
8:45-Ingested 15 15mg DXM capsules.
8:57-Ingest three more 15 mg capsules
9:03-Ingest two more capsules, 20 total
9:13-Cleaning room, don’t really think I am feeling anything yet
9:19-Still cleaning room, not really feeling anything
9:24-I think I am starting to feel a relaxed body high, and aural perception seems to be altered
9:28-Slight nausea
9:35-Slight nausea, laying down, feeling lazy and tired
9:45-Spacing out a little on the computer
9:52-I think I might be feeling effects but they are too subtle, may just be placebo, ingest three more capsules
10:00-Ingest two more capsules, 25 total now (375 mg). Erowid says that this is under the “strong dose” category, so I hope that I start to actually feel strong effects.
10:05-Decide to start spinning on my turntables
10:09-Ingest three more capsules, spinning more on the turntables, 420 mg total ingested
10:24-Feeling a little light-headed, really getting into the music
10:26-Forgot I just wrote the entry for 10:24, definitely feeling something
10:31-Getting extremely into the music, can’t help dancing
10:37-Feeling awesome, really euphoric, music sounds incredible
10:45-Nausea, but I feel awesome
10:49-Full body and head high, feel awesome
10:58-Full body and head high still going, I feel amazing, really want to talk to people. The music I am listening to sounds amazing. Everything feels good. I would almost compare this to rolling, except it is definitely a little different, more weird and less speedy.
11:01-Extreme nausea, feel like I might puke, very intense
11:05-I just went to bathroom because I thought I was going to puke, but I didn’t. Now I am laying down because the nausea got very intense.
11:10-Still intense nausea, talking to people on the computer and laying down still.
11:24-The nausea is intense, but I have a full body and head high going. I almost feel like I am floating or something, and I feel VERY disoriented. I am talking like mad to people on the internet. Music is crazy and I can’t see straight.
11:37-It’s like I have tunnel vision and I cannot focus on anything. The feelings are really intense. Physical sensations are enhanced. This is like being drunk but so much more. Holy shit.
11:41-Messaging lots of people on facebook. Very sociable, wish someone was here with me. Music is crazy. Everything is crazy.
12:01-Just got off the phone, had an awesome conversation with two of my friends. Everything feels good, hard to type, wish other people were here. Talking online more.
12:04-everythign seems to be like skipping around and spinning, everything feels WICKED weird, touch feels awesome, typing is hard
12:25-The trip is crazy. Ccan’t see straight. Feel hot. Talking to tons of people on faceboook.
NOTE: At this point I completely lost control and stopped writing updates into the computer, as I could not focus AT ALL. I was talking to some people on the internet though, and that helps me keep track of what was happening. At 12:27 a friend sent me a youtube video that was a still picture with a song playing, and I told him I thought the picture was moving. At 12:32 I told one of my friends, “dude I am like going crosseyed. This is crazy.” My vision at that point was completely messed up and I was seeing two of everything. I also remember there were a few times when I would feel an itch on my body, and scratch it furiously. I could not tell my own strength and could not feel pain so this scared me a little, as I didn’t want to tear my own skin. At 12:43 I told the same friend from before, “fucking a I just threw up this is fucked.” I do remember right before I threw up I got a very intense feeling throughout my whole body and head and felt like I was just going to lose control. I think this was definitely like the “snapping” point where I went from being somewhat coherent to completely grounded in another world. I remember laying down trying to relax, but the feeling got more intense. My mind was almost telling me to stop and be normal again; resisting the snap, but it was not strong enough. This was definitely a very foreign and scary feeling. Then I remember throwing up all over my rug and myself and not knowing what to do or what was going on. At this point I didn’t even really feel like I was alive in the old sense of the word anymore.
I remember at first I didn’t really know what had happened, and I lay confused in my own vomit. I looked in the mirror and saw myself, vomit all over my face and on my shirt. I did not feel grossed out, simply confused as hell. I reminded myself of a zombie from a zombie movie, with human waste trickling down my chin. I took my shirt off and went to the bathroom. Walking was EXTREMELY difficult. I remember that I had a ridiculous, alert expression when I looked into the mirror at myself. I somehow managed to clean up much of the vomit on my rug, but this was a VERY difficult task in my state of mind.
I then sat on my floor staring at everything around me. Everything was swirling around, and when I looked at the computer screen, I could not make out what was on it. My vision was blurred and could be described as tunnel vision. All objects around me seemed to be moving at 90 miles an hour. I remember having a feeling like there was something I wanted to do or something bad that I needed to sort out, but I couldn’t make it out. Almost like when you are trying to remember a word but can’t remember it. The feeling was like that but much more intense.
I sat on my floor, utterly confused, trying to figure out what I was going to do. I had never been that confused in my life. I then called my friends from before. My friend Brad was just leaving his girlfriend’s house, and he said he’d call me when he got home. Then I tried calling two other friends but both of their phones were off. I then called my friend Sprinkles and talked to her, and she was incredibly calming to me. I was not having a bad time, but a difficult one, and it was very nice to have someone to talk to. I remember that speech was incredibly difficult and it sounded very robotic. For some reason I was talking really slow in some weird kind of accent and I could not control it. The whole world was spinning around me as I talked on the phone. I kept saying, “this is very strange, very strange…” in this weird, slowed-down voice. My friend Brad ended up calling me back so I told Sprinkles I would call her back. I talked to him and then he said he could do a three-way call so then it was me, Brad, and Sprinkles on the phone. We had a very interesting and intense conversation. I felt very warmed by their voices and I kept expressing my love for both of them. At one point Sprinkles told me to think about how nothing existed at one point in time, no Earth and no human-beings. This thought really freaked me out and I almost felt like I was in that void of nothingness, my only connection to this world was the phone I was talking to my friends on. I remember telling my two friends that I was not on Earth and that I was in another dimension, which is a crazy thing to say. After a bit Sprinkles had to go so Brad and I talked until about 2:45, and we had a VERY interesting and deep conversation. Brad had done huge doses of DXM multiple times before so he really knew what I was experiencing. I remember one thing he said to me was that I was in a hole, and when he said this, it clicked and I happily admitted it. Instead of being scared, I was proud to have gone down the rabbit hole, and I was ready to take on anything. After Brad had to go I tried cleaning my vomit a little more, and went to the bathroom, which was very weird. I tried brushing my teeth and I could barely do it, it felt very strange and ridiculous. I then went back into my room and turned all the lights off, ready to sleep. I lay in a sort of half awake, half asleep state for a while, and got some real sleep for a couple hours.
Looking back now, the morning after, the DXM trip is very difficult to explain. At first I really did think that it sort of resembled a combination of being on ketamine and rolling on MDMA, or an enhanced state of alcohol-induced drunkness, but when I hit the peak all resemblances were certainly shattered. I think once I hit the peak though the trip did share many similarities with a piperazine trip. Both have the feeling of tripping without any concrete visuals, both made walking difficult, both made me very confused, and both were very overwhelming. I do definitely think that I enjoyed the DXM a lot more, however, and there were way worse negative effects on the piperazines.
This morning I still feel a little weird, it is 11:34, but my thought process has been restored. Looking back, I definitely want to try DXM again, with another person.
8:57-Ingest three more 15 mg capsules
9:03-Ingest two more capsules, 20 total
9:13-Cleaning room, don’t really think I am feeling anything yet
9:19-Still cleaning room, not really feeling anything
9:24-I think I am starting to feel a relaxed body high, and aural perception seems to be altered
9:28-Slight nausea
9:35-Slight nausea, laying down, feeling lazy and tired
9:45-Spacing out a little on the computer
9:52-I think I might be feeling effects but they are too subtle, may just be placebo, ingest three more capsules
10:00-Ingest two more capsules, 25 total now (375 mg). Erowid says that this is under the “strong dose” category, so I hope that I start to actually feel strong effects.
10:05-Decide to start spinning on my turntables
10:09-Ingest three more capsules, spinning more on the turntables, 420 mg total ingested
10:24-Feeling a little light-headed, really getting into the music
10:26-Forgot I just wrote the entry for 10:24, definitely feeling something
10:31-Getting extremely into the music, can’t help dancing
10:37-Feeling awesome, really euphoric, music sounds incredible
10:45-Nausea, but I feel awesome
10:49-Full body and head high, feel awesome
10:58-Full body and head high still going, I feel amazing, really want to talk to people. The music I am listening to sounds amazing. Everything feels good. I would almost compare this to rolling, except it is definitely a little different, more weird and less speedy.
11:01-Extreme nausea, feel like I might puke, very intense
11:05-I just went to bathroom because I thought I was going to puke, but I didn’t. Now I am laying down because the nausea got very intense.
11:10-Still intense nausea, talking to people on the computer and laying down still.
11:24-The nausea is intense, but I have a full body and head high going. I almost feel like I am floating or something, and I feel VERY disoriented. I am talking like mad to people on the internet. Music is crazy and I can’t see straight.
11:37-It’s like I have tunnel vision and I cannot focus on anything. The feelings are really intense. Physical sensations are enhanced. This is like being drunk but so much more. Holy shit.
11:41-Messaging lots of people on facebook. Very sociable, wish someone was here with me. Music is crazy. Everything is crazy.
12:01-Just got off the phone, had an awesome conversation with two of my friends. Everything feels good, hard to type, wish other people were here. Talking online more.
12:04-everythign seems to be like skipping around and spinning, everything feels WICKED weird, touch feels awesome, typing is hard
12:25-The trip is crazy. Ccan’t see straight. Feel hot. Talking to tons of people on faceboook.
NOTE: At this point I completely lost control and stopped writing updates into the computer, as I could not focus AT ALL. I was talking to some people on the internet though, and that helps me keep track of what was happening. At 12:27 a friend sent me a youtube video that was a still picture with a song playing, and I told him I thought the picture was moving. At 12:32 I told one of my friends, “dude I am like going crosseyed. This is crazy.” My vision at that point was completely messed up and I was seeing two of everything. I also remember there were a few times when I would feel an itch on my body, and scratch it furiously. I could not tell my own strength and could not feel pain so this scared me a little, as I didn’t want to tear my own skin. At 12:43 I told the same friend from before, “fucking a I just threw up this is fucked.” I do remember right before I threw up I got a very intense feeling throughout my whole body and head and felt like I was just going to lose control. I think this was definitely like the “snapping” point where I went from being somewhat coherent to completely grounded in another world. I remember laying down trying to relax, but the feeling got more intense. My mind was almost telling me to stop and be normal again; resisting the snap, but it was not strong enough. This was definitely a very foreign and scary feeling. Then I remember throwing up all over my rug and myself and not knowing what to do or what was going on. At this point I didn’t even really feel like I was alive in the old sense of the word anymore.
I remember at first I didn’t really know what had happened, and I lay confused in my own vomit. I looked in the mirror and saw myself, vomit all over my face and on my shirt. I did not feel grossed out, simply confused as hell. I reminded myself of a zombie from a zombie movie, with human waste trickling down my chin. I took my shirt off and went to the bathroom. Walking was EXTREMELY difficult. I remember that I had a ridiculous, alert expression when I looked into the mirror at myself. I somehow managed to clean up much of the vomit on my rug, but this was a VERY difficult task in my state of mind.
I then sat on my floor staring at everything around me. Everything was swirling around, and when I looked at the computer screen, I could not make out what was on it. My vision was blurred and could be described as tunnel vision. All objects around me seemed to be moving at 90 miles an hour. I remember having a feeling like there was something I wanted to do or something bad that I needed to sort out, but I couldn’t make it out. Almost like when you are trying to remember a word but can’t remember it. The feeling was like that but much more intense.
I sat on my floor, utterly confused, trying to figure out what I was going to do. I had never been that confused in my life. I then called my friends from before. My friend Brad was just leaving his girlfriend’s house, and he said he’d call me when he got home. Then I tried calling two other friends but both of their phones were off. I then called my friend Sprinkles and talked to her, and she was incredibly calming to me. I was not having a bad time, but a difficult one, and it was very nice to have someone to talk to. I remember that speech was incredibly difficult and it sounded very robotic. For some reason I was talking really slow in some weird kind of accent and I could not control it. The whole world was spinning around me as I talked on the phone. I kept saying, “this is very strange, very strange…” in this weird, slowed-down voice. My friend Brad ended up calling me back so I told Sprinkles I would call her back. I talked to him and then he said he could do a three-way call so then it was me, Brad, and Sprinkles on the phone. We had a very interesting and intense conversation. I felt very warmed by their voices and I kept expressing my love for both of them. At one point Sprinkles told me to think about how nothing existed at one point in time, no Earth and no human-beings. This thought really freaked me out and I almost felt like I was in that void of nothingness, my only connection to this world was the phone I was talking to my friends on. I remember telling my two friends that I was not on Earth and that I was in another dimension, which is a crazy thing to say. After a bit Sprinkles had to go so Brad and I talked until about 2:45, and we had a VERY interesting and deep conversation. Brad had done huge doses of DXM multiple times before so he really knew what I was experiencing. I remember one thing he said to me was that I was in a hole, and when he said this, it clicked and I happily admitted it. Instead of being scared, I was proud to have gone down the rabbit hole, and I was ready to take on anything. After Brad had to go I tried cleaning my vomit a little more, and went to the bathroom, which was very weird. I tried brushing my teeth and I could barely do it, it felt very strange and ridiculous. I then went back into my room and turned all the lights off, ready to sleep. I lay in a sort of half awake, half asleep state for a while, and got some real sleep for a couple hours.
Looking back now, the morning after, the DXM trip is very difficult to explain. At first I really did think that it sort of resembled a combination of being on ketamine and rolling on MDMA, or an enhanced state of alcohol-induced drunkness, but when I hit the peak all resemblances were certainly shattered. I think once I hit the peak though the trip did share many similarities with a piperazine trip. Both have the feeling of tripping without any concrete visuals, both made walking difficult, both made me very confused, and both were very overwhelming. I do definitely think that I enjoyed the DXM a lot more, however, and there were way worse negative effects on the piperazines.
This morning I still feel a little weird, it is 11:34, but my thought process has been restored. Looking back, I definitely want to try DXM again, with another person.
Flying into Apocalypse
This decision had been a long time coming.
I woke up this morning and did my usual routine. I grabbed a bowl of cereal, ate some toast, drank a glass of orange juice, and washed my face. I brushed my teeth, checked my e-mail, and jumped in the shower. But then I decided to finally make the ascent, and here I was; finally. I stood on the edge of the cliff, contemplating all of life’s complicated twists and turns, all the philosophies and blank stares of those around me. Alienation did not accurately describe my feelings, for it was much more intense then simply an “alienation.” This decision had been a long time coming. I contemplated my glorious suicide during every single one of my pathetic mundane days in my pathetic mundane life. Every glimpse of eye contact, every single social interaction was filled with terrible fear and pain. Summed up in ultimate angst: I hated everything. Being at a table full of my best friends, I would still feel alone. So it was time to end my sad pathetic mundane life and make it into a tragedy; a tragic and emotionally captivating end to a sick, disgusting existence. A melodramatic symphonic chord against the dark night sky. Beautiful human potential, squandered and shattered. A daring revolutionary committing the ultimate act of rebellion. There was no one around and here I was, all alone, yet I felt like I had all the company in the world. A massive and excited crowd in my jumbled head cheered me on. “Let’s do it you pussy!!!” “Come on, jump already!” I couldn’t let them down. This was the day of reckoning, my own personal judgment day.
I outstretched my arms.
And jumped.
My arms started to flap and I flew. This was the most beautiful feeling I had ever experienced. I flapped and flapped, and flew and flew. And as I looked down upon the towns, cities, and people below me, everything was burnt, destroyed, and dead. The most picturesque scene you could ever see. Everything dead. My feeling of elation was unlike any other. Everyone I hated, everyone I loved; dead. And I could never ask for more.
I woke up this morning and did my usual routine. I grabbed a bowl of cereal, ate some toast, drank a glass of orange juice, and washed my face. I brushed my teeth, checked my e-mail, and jumped in the shower. But then I decided to finally make the ascent, and here I was; finally. I stood on the edge of the cliff, contemplating all of life’s complicated twists and turns, all the philosophies and blank stares of those around me. Alienation did not accurately describe my feelings, for it was much more intense then simply an “alienation.” This decision had been a long time coming. I contemplated my glorious suicide during every single one of my pathetic mundane days in my pathetic mundane life. Every glimpse of eye contact, every single social interaction was filled with terrible fear and pain. Summed up in ultimate angst: I hated everything. Being at a table full of my best friends, I would still feel alone. So it was time to end my sad pathetic mundane life and make it into a tragedy; a tragic and emotionally captivating end to a sick, disgusting existence. A melodramatic symphonic chord against the dark night sky. Beautiful human potential, squandered and shattered. A daring revolutionary committing the ultimate act of rebellion. There was no one around and here I was, all alone, yet I felt like I had all the company in the world. A massive and excited crowd in my jumbled head cheered me on. “Let’s do it you pussy!!!” “Come on, jump already!” I couldn’t let them down. This was the day of reckoning, my own personal judgment day.
I outstretched my arms.
And jumped.
My arms started to flap and I flew. This was the most beautiful feeling I had ever experienced. I flapped and flapped, and flew and flew. And as I looked down upon the towns, cities, and people below me, everything was burnt, destroyed, and dead. The most picturesque scene you could ever see. Everything dead. My feeling of elation was unlike any other. Everyone I hated, everyone I loved; dead. And I could never ask for more.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
the end
The night still embodied the ominous darkness of foreshadowed decay and despair, and I was already awakened from my sleep. My mom and dad rustled my sheets and urgently awoke me to the menacing day approaching. The terrorist level had been raised to a code red. Some catastrophic event was soon going to occur; yet no one knew what it was. The government was offering no clues to what the situation was truly unveiling, and everyone was simply told to immediately take flight to the countless safe zones scattered throughout the nation.
I quickly packed all my belongings and rose to my feet in a few moments, ready to face the day before me. My parents started driving us down my road, in the direction towards the designated shelter that was supposed to be about a twenty minute drive away. A minute down the road and we came to a massive pile of woodchips blocking a large piece of the way; a sign propped on top, proclaiming that the end was here. We easily drove past the objects, wondering why anyone would put those there, and ignored the scary message. The questions of what was truly taking place that early morning multiplied and thickened.
We arrived at the shelter, a massive hospital modified into this apocalyptic protection facility. There were countless people wandering around the place, asking questions with nervous faces and blank expressions. I parted with my parents and explored the hospital, watching all the people. I saw a few kids I knew from school and exchanged some brief words in an attempt to shed some light on the situation. A few other familiar faces were present among the sea of strangers. I had a few more brief conversations and then let my curiosity guide me as I went outside of the hospital to the park behind the building. There was a large playground where many lost looking people lay scattered about. Everyone looked confused and scared as to what was going to occur that day.
I kept walking past the playground, past a few sports fields, and approached a path in a dark and overgrown forest. Reaching this marker in my existence, I thought back to the hospital, to the people there. Something was terribly wrong with this whole situation. I wasn’t going back.
I entered the forest and walked for a while on the path, which eventually started to ascend. I soon reached the top of a large hill, which gave a view of the hospital and all the nervous little people congregating to their deaths. I climbed up higher.
A girl was present at a higher part on the climb, watching everything below her. The view was amazing from this point of view. I nudged her, knocking her out of a trance that fully admired the surreal and lonely landscape present all around us. She stared at me blankly, a few tears on her cheeks. She offered me a subtle, kind smile and grabbed my hand, tugging me back into the ever-ascending trail through the forest.
She was mysterious, and very endearing. We kept verbal discussion to a minimum but we had an overwhelming sense of understanding and warmth for one another. No one else had taken the initiative to come up here. Each person was instead blindly awaiting some terrible event down in the hospital below.
We kept on hiking up, until we finally came upon a little cliff, an opening spot in the trees where we could see for miles around our poor little human bodies. We looked out upon the world, and I felt extremely dissociated as I witnessed the surreal scene of destruction taking place. Every building we could see in the beautiful view was burning. Large, intimidating flames of another world. The hospital was on fire as well. Thousands of people burned inside, cooked into pathetic perfection by a failed god from another dimension. I felt no emotion, only the disconnection from reality.
I turned to look at my female companion and
I accidentally killed her. I didn’t mean to but I had slit her throat with the butcher’s knife in my pocket. Her blood poured out onto my shirt, dirtying a perfectly good shirt.
I hacked the knife into her chest, releasing the stunning, BEAUTIFULLY red fluid from her wretched and evil little human body.
I looked out into the horizon and the scene around me. The hospital was burning. My mom and dad were there but I didn’t care. Other people I knew were there too. Big woop.
I leaned to the girl about to kiss her, but she was bleeding. What the hell had happened to her???
I looked out onto the view present from the high enclave. The hospital was there, but it was burning. A few other buildings were burning too.
The girl jumped off the cliff; no, I pushed her.
I pulled the trigger, shattering my mind into infinite, shattering my frail little glass brain into a million shining little shards of human waste.
I quickly packed all my belongings and rose to my feet in a few moments, ready to face the day before me. My parents started driving us down my road, in the direction towards the designated shelter that was supposed to be about a twenty minute drive away. A minute down the road and we came to a massive pile of woodchips blocking a large piece of the way; a sign propped on top, proclaiming that the end was here. We easily drove past the objects, wondering why anyone would put those there, and ignored the scary message. The questions of what was truly taking place that early morning multiplied and thickened.
We arrived at the shelter, a massive hospital modified into this apocalyptic protection facility. There were countless people wandering around the place, asking questions with nervous faces and blank expressions. I parted with my parents and explored the hospital, watching all the people. I saw a few kids I knew from school and exchanged some brief words in an attempt to shed some light on the situation. A few other familiar faces were present among the sea of strangers. I had a few more brief conversations and then let my curiosity guide me as I went outside of the hospital to the park behind the building. There was a large playground where many lost looking people lay scattered about. Everyone looked confused and scared as to what was going to occur that day.
I kept walking past the playground, past a few sports fields, and approached a path in a dark and overgrown forest. Reaching this marker in my existence, I thought back to the hospital, to the people there. Something was terribly wrong with this whole situation. I wasn’t going back.
I entered the forest and walked for a while on the path, which eventually started to ascend. I soon reached the top of a large hill, which gave a view of the hospital and all the nervous little people congregating to their deaths. I climbed up higher.
A girl was present at a higher part on the climb, watching everything below her. The view was amazing from this point of view. I nudged her, knocking her out of a trance that fully admired the surreal and lonely landscape present all around us. She stared at me blankly, a few tears on her cheeks. She offered me a subtle, kind smile and grabbed my hand, tugging me back into the ever-ascending trail through the forest.
She was mysterious, and very endearing. We kept verbal discussion to a minimum but we had an overwhelming sense of understanding and warmth for one another. No one else had taken the initiative to come up here. Each person was instead blindly awaiting some terrible event down in the hospital below.
We kept on hiking up, until we finally came upon a little cliff, an opening spot in the trees where we could see for miles around our poor little human bodies. We looked out upon the world, and I felt extremely dissociated as I witnessed the surreal scene of destruction taking place. Every building we could see in the beautiful view was burning. Large, intimidating flames of another world. The hospital was on fire as well. Thousands of people burned inside, cooked into pathetic perfection by a failed god from another dimension. I felt no emotion, only the disconnection from reality.
I turned to look at my female companion and
I accidentally killed her. I didn’t mean to but I had slit her throat with the butcher’s knife in my pocket. Her blood poured out onto my shirt, dirtying a perfectly good shirt.
I hacked the knife into her chest, releasing the stunning, BEAUTIFULLY red fluid from her wretched and evil little human body.
I looked out into the horizon and the scene around me. The hospital was burning. My mom and dad were there but I didn’t care. Other people I knew were there too. Big woop.
I leaned to the girl about to kiss her, but she was bleeding. What the hell had happened to her???
I looked out onto the view present from the high enclave. The hospital was there, but it was burning. A few other buildings were burning too.
The girl jumped off the cliff; no, I pushed her.
I pulled the trigger, shattering my mind into infinite, shattering my frail little glass brain into a million shining little shards of human waste.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
racing planets
I wasn't really paying attention to much, I was just bored, spending another day in the space station. I was a test subject living up there. The government had put me here six months earlier to see how human-beings can survive in galactic conditions. Many of the others always fantasized watching space and planet Earth, but I hated looking down at our planet. I despised everyone there and I always just sat inside the station reading and talking to my space family. However, today one girl I knew ran to me while I was dozing off to some sci-fi novel in the private quarters. She was extremely excited and told me to come out to the observation deck. I ran out there and I remembered some talk about meteor showers; in another moment I saw one HUGE meteor go flying past the observation deck as I watched. It was beautiful, whizzing through space like a bird dipping into the ocean. You didn't see too much beauty up here, so an occasion like this was amazing. Next second I knew, I saw some huge mass go whizzing by again, but it wasn't a meteor. It was a planet. It was a purple-toned color and had a beautiful ring encircling its diameter. And in a second, it was gone. I was so blown away I was speechless, and I could not determine whether the visual I had just seen had been real or a private hallucination. Either way, the fact was settled. I wanted to get the hell out of here and onto that planet. I didn't want anything to do with that ugly fucking ball of piss water and home to a bunch of ugly fucking apes that we call Earth.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Strangers
Who the fuck was this guy? I lived in a communal home with a bunch of other people, but this guy, I had never seen before. I woke up and went into the kitchen to discover this very tall and solid-looking man, dicing vegetables with unreal speed and velocity. Nobody else seemed to notice that he was making this salad with bizarre and impossible skill. I asked one of the usual guys who this new person was, but he did not seem to hear my question. Was I going insane or what?
I quickly thought back to a recent excursion to a nearby downtown area. It was late at night and many people were out walking down the old cobblestoned street. I remember we were passing this ominous looking three-floor home that looked like it was straight from an HP Lovecraft short story, and a girl who lived there ran outside, looking extremely flustered. Her eyes were wide and she looked strung out to the point of insanity, but I didn't think much of it. Soon, however, the whole street went pitch black; all light sources exterminated. The girl screamed and when the lights returned she had disappeared. Everyone around me seemed fairly surprised but most went on without a second glance. Crazy hippies, people thought. However, as I was walking away from the strange scene I had witnessed, an older woman approached me and said that we had all just witnessed an act of a demon, summoned by Satan himself. She seemed a little crazy but I listened to what she had to say. "The demons are here in preparation for 2012...you need to protect yourself! They easily consume anyone who is not strong-willed enough. Protect yourself! They will often take the shape of humans..." She said a little bit more but nothing too important. At the time I didn't take much heed to what she said, I got a little weirded out, but that's all.
Anyways, I thought back to this because the situation I was now engulfed in seemed extremely odd, and for some reason, this new house guest was emanating extremely potent vibes that spoke of danger and hostility; even though he masked these with a regular body and a strange smile. Also, all the regulars at the house seemed that they were in a trance. As I watched our new chef prepare an extravagant caesar salad with unreal ease, I knew this situation was just plain wrong.
I tried asking another one of the regulars who this new guy was. She paused, looked at me for a couple seconds, and then departed the interaction with a drunken smile. What the hell was happening here? Everyone was acting like it was a beautiful, regular, summer day. Well I knew this wasn't Mr. Roger's Fucking Neighborhood.
Suddenly everyone who had been frozen in the kitchen, watching our guest, started exiting the room. They seemed like they were trying to run from something, but they still had the bizarre smiles on their faces all the while. I followed them into one bedroom and we were all standing in there, it seemed like we were hiding from something. One of the guys went to lock the door but the new house chef smashed the door open right at the same moment. He had a butcher's knife in one hand, but he still had the same smile, and so did everyone else. This scenario was messed up on too many levels.
House chef just stood there among everyone else. The room just looked like a bunch of people hanging out, with weird stoned smiles, but no one was talking. I needed to get the hell out of here. I knew things were going to turn ugly soon. House chef started to walk around, going from person to person, simply staring at each. I waited for my perfect chance and sprinted out of the room, around the corner, and straight up the stairs. I ran to the front door and quickly opened it, my heart beating fast. With a sigh of relief I was now outside on the front lawn. An old man who we got many of our vegetables from sat in a lawn chair looking through a window into the kitchen.
"I knew I shouldn't have left all my vegetables out on the counter. That guy chopped them all up before I could even say anything!"
I asked him if he knew who the guy was.
"I really have no idea, he came here this morning. Seems awfully strange.."
Kill. I had to kill this new guy. I could sense his emotions start to explode.
I told the old man that I had to go and I ran around the house. I saw some pool sticks laying on the ground and I thought that would make the perfect weapon. The girl nearby told me that I couldn't use them because they would break. She knew exactly what I was going to do with them, without me even uttering a word. I couldn't pause at this strange occurrence, however, I had to continue on.
A few people sat outside around a small campfire further down on the side of the building. Without even asking, one of the guys handed me a huge, half-full glass bottle of absinthe. This would be perfect. I took the bottle without hesitancy and ran to the small porch area on the back of the house. House chef was there, and so were a handful of other people. He had his knife. He started to raise it. Without thinking I sprinted all my weight as fast as I could and smashed the bottle into the man's head. It didn't break, but he stumbled backwards. I tried again. The bottle still didn't break, but this time the man was sitting on his ass on the ground. I went for the third attempt and this time the bottle smashed completely over his forehead. Blood and warm absinthe flooded everywhere.
He got up and claws emerged from the skin on his hands. He jumped at me and tried to slash my face, but I put my arms up in time. Three deep cuts started to unload my lifeblood from the back of my right forearm. I yelled at him. "FUCK YOU! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!"
He growled back at me, and lunged his weight towards me while I was on the ground, but I moved just in time, making him hit the floor hard. While he was face-down I quickly grabbed a big shard of glass from the broken bottle and I slashed the back of his neck with as much force as I could muster. The glass cut his flesh like butter and his head was now lopsided, hanging by one side of his neck, but he was still moving, and still furious. He stumbled to his feet and stood there, staring at me with intense hatred. The awkward smile returned to his bleeding, dirty, ruined face. He looked like he was some kind of science experiment gone wrong, with blood pouring from the back of his neck and the top of his forehead like Niagara Falls.
In another moment I could not see anything but darkness and I could not move. Intense fear froze my body and I thought back to the old woman from town. She was right. The apocalypse was coming. And here I was, I wouldn't ever experience it. In another moment I was dead.
We are all just a bunch of walking fucking corpses.
I quickly thought back to a recent excursion to a nearby downtown area. It was late at night and many people were out walking down the old cobblestoned street. I remember we were passing this ominous looking three-floor home that looked like it was straight from an HP Lovecraft short story, and a girl who lived there ran outside, looking extremely flustered. Her eyes were wide and she looked strung out to the point of insanity, but I didn't think much of it. Soon, however, the whole street went pitch black; all light sources exterminated. The girl screamed and when the lights returned she had disappeared. Everyone around me seemed fairly surprised but most went on without a second glance. Crazy hippies, people thought. However, as I was walking away from the strange scene I had witnessed, an older woman approached me and said that we had all just witnessed an act of a demon, summoned by Satan himself. She seemed a little crazy but I listened to what she had to say. "The demons are here in preparation for 2012...you need to protect yourself! They easily consume anyone who is not strong-willed enough. Protect yourself! They will often take the shape of humans..." She said a little bit more but nothing too important. At the time I didn't take much heed to what she said, I got a little weirded out, but that's all.
Anyways, I thought back to this because the situation I was now engulfed in seemed extremely odd, and for some reason, this new house guest was emanating extremely potent vibes that spoke of danger and hostility; even though he masked these with a regular body and a strange smile. Also, all the regulars at the house seemed that they were in a trance. As I watched our new chef prepare an extravagant caesar salad with unreal ease, I knew this situation was just plain wrong.
I tried asking another one of the regulars who this new guy was. She paused, looked at me for a couple seconds, and then departed the interaction with a drunken smile. What the hell was happening here? Everyone was acting like it was a beautiful, regular, summer day. Well I knew this wasn't Mr. Roger's Fucking Neighborhood.
Suddenly everyone who had been frozen in the kitchen, watching our guest, started exiting the room. They seemed like they were trying to run from something, but they still had the bizarre smiles on their faces all the while. I followed them into one bedroom and we were all standing in there, it seemed like we were hiding from something. One of the guys went to lock the door but the new house chef smashed the door open right at the same moment. He had a butcher's knife in one hand, but he still had the same smile, and so did everyone else. This scenario was messed up on too many levels.
House chef just stood there among everyone else. The room just looked like a bunch of people hanging out, with weird stoned smiles, but no one was talking. I needed to get the hell out of here. I knew things were going to turn ugly soon. House chef started to walk around, going from person to person, simply staring at each. I waited for my perfect chance and sprinted out of the room, around the corner, and straight up the stairs. I ran to the front door and quickly opened it, my heart beating fast. With a sigh of relief I was now outside on the front lawn. An old man who we got many of our vegetables from sat in a lawn chair looking through a window into the kitchen.
"I knew I shouldn't have left all my vegetables out on the counter. That guy chopped them all up before I could even say anything!"
I asked him if he knew who the guy was.
"I really have no idea, he came here this morning. Seems awfully strange.."
Kill. I had to kill this new guy. I could sense his emotions start to explode.
I told the old man that I had to go and I ran around the house. I saw some pool sticks laying on the ground and I thought that would make the perfect weapon. The girl nearby told me that I couldn't use them because they would break. She knew exactly what I was going to do with them, without me even uttering a word. I couldn't pause at this strange occurrence, however, I had to continue on.
A few people sat outside around a small campfire further down on the side of the building. Without even asking, one of the guys handed me a huge, half-full glass bottle of absinthe. This would be perfect. I took the bottle without hesitancy and ran to the small porch area on the back of the house. House chef was there, and so were a handful of other people. He had his knife. He started to raise it. Without thinking I sprinted all my weight as fast as I could and smashed the bottle into the man's head. It didn't break, but he stumbled backwards. I tried again. The bottle still didn't break, but this time the man was sitting on his ass on the ground. I went for the third attempt and this time the bottle smashed completely over his forehead. Blood and warm absinthe flooded everywhere.
He got up and claws emerged from the skin on his hands. He jumped at me and tried to slash my face, but I put my arms up in time. Three deep cuts started to unload my lifeblood from the back of my right forearm. I yelled at him. "FUCK YOU! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!"
He growled back at me, and lunged his weight towards me while I was on the ground, but I moved just in time, making him hit the floor hard. While he was face-down I quickly grabbed a big shard of glass from the broken bottle and I slashed the back of his neck with as much force as I could muster. The glass cut his flesh like butter and his head was now lopsided, hanging by one side of his neck, but he was still moving, and still furious. He stumbled to his feet and stood there, staring at me with intense hatred. The awkward smile returned to his bleeding, dirty, ruined face. He looked like he was some kind of science experiment gone wrong, with blood pouring from the back of his neck and the top of his forehead like Niagara Falls.
In another moment I could not see anything but darkness and I could not move. Intense fear froze my body and I thought back to the old woman from town. She was right. The apocalypse was coming. And here I was, I wouldn't ever experience it. In another moment I was dead.
We are all just a bunch of walking fucking corpses.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I am a source
At my first rave last April called 3D Playhouse in Connecticut, it was around 4 or 5 a.m. and I was chilling with some friends in some random room. A girl walking by with one of her friends had a huge smile on her face and as she passed by me she said that I was a source. A source of what? Who knows. But I hope to be a source of positive energy to everyone around me. This was definitely one of the weirdest occurrences and best compliments I have ever received.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Revelations Near a DJ
I stood there waiting and watching the scene on front of me. A group of dirty and insane individuals were gathered in a bizarre ritual. A bizarre ritual organized in the middle of a backwater town, out in a field, under the stars. These people were being controlled by the musical puppeteer on front of them, who was spinning minds into new dimensions, spreading revelations among the participants present. My head started to break into pieces as I nervously puffed onto a cigar. Waves of intense emotion pelted up and down through my body and I started to transcend the normal physical existence. Breathing sped up as my heartbeat raced along a track of mixed emotion. I danced, not because I wanted to, but because I had to; I had to ride the basslines and keep afloat or I would be sucked into infinity.
The music stopped. Something was terribly wrong. The crowd shouted and I waited nervously for the aural wonderland to resume. Without the musical portal to protect me I was alone and terrified in a sea of blurring colors and strange characters. I threw my cigar onto the ground as I started to become scared of what was happening, and I sat on the floor behind me. Intense anxiety ripped my mind to shards and I could not believe what was happening. I looked for comfort in my two friends who accompanied me in my otherworldly adventure.
I could not describe what was happening to my mind but I knew I needed the music back on. I told my friends and they greeted me with a warm smile. Everything would be okay. Barely escaping the anxiety and fear that threatened my very existence, the music came back on and the sea of lazer people among me roared in happiness. I started to dance again, to try to stay afloat and stay alive. After a battle of mind against music my friends walked away so I followed them to a small apocalyptic tent serving bizarre alien soup. Walking was unnatural and I felt as though I was floating. My mind felt detached from my body and as the physical pushed forward my mind stayed in one spot. When I arrived at my destination my mind snapped back into my head and I looked at the people working there. Did they know what was going on?? Could they see all the lights dancing among their vision? I started to get nervous as I realized I was all alone in the world with no one experiencing the same as me. My head melted into thought and then I nervously walked back to the lifeline that was the speakers near the DJ. I danced more for my survival until my friends returned with the alien remedy. I tasted it and spat it out, laughing hysterically at the strange flavor and texture. A girl nearby leaned in and told me to put my head right next to the speaker and deeply breathe in. I tried out this process and took in the sounds escaping from the contraption and smiled with her at the experience. Soon the music was turned down and a message from the sky proclaimed that cars were being towed from the road near this barren landscape. I could barely comprehend the message but I realized that my friend's car may be one of them. I tried warning him and somehow I then got separated from the comfort of both my friends. I wandered to the back of the crowd and looked at the scene on front of me. Bright lights and colors danced everywhere among the lazer people in their bizarre ancient ritual. A strange man who reminded me of a frog tried talking to me and telling me about some upcoming event. I could barely understand what he was saying and I could barely even respond. Social actions were extremely hard to comprehend. He babbled on until a friend I recognized walked by. She greeted me and I tried to tell her I couldn't describe what was happening to myself. I couldn't convey what I was seeing. She soon wandered off and I too wandered, to another loud speaker spilling the aural landscape present around me.
At this point, my mind had melted. I could not comprehend any previously known concepts. Time had shattered, and I was frozen in the present. I could barely remember who I even was. The concept of an ego became obliterated. Coherent thought vanished. I could only think of a few things and I kept asking myself questions. I wasn't sure if I was breathing correctly, and I was afraid that I may die. I kept thinking of loved ones and wishing that they were with me but I knew that I had to be all alone. I kept wondering why I was here and what was the point of the ritual going on, but I settled with the idea that I just had to keep dancing and stay calm. The conductor of revelations continued to shatter my brain with his pulsing rhythms and throbbing basslines, and I literally thought I was going mentally insane. I kept nervously looking around at the strangers present amongst myself and laughed in my head at the comic scene of it all. Everything about my perception was distorted and altered. I was hearing sounds from other astral planes and seeing visuals I could not see in the normal mind. I just continued to dance and nod my head to the music with extreme nervousness and tried to relax. A DJ played two drum and bass songs that I had just recently downloaded at home. I couldn't believe this and could not believe that it was a mere coincidence, he must have known that I was here. These songs made my mind wander and remember that there was a world existent outside of this insane muddy field on the threshold of the world. After a lifetime of experiencing the madness present up by the DJ, I ran into another friend and wandered around with him, listening to him talk and trying to get a few incoherent words in here and there.
I tried explaining to him what was going on in my head, but it was extremely difficult to put into words. We talked the usual talk about recent parties and upcoming events and discussed the current vibe present at the festival. Soon another one of my friends called me on my cellphone so I had him come over to us and I laughed with him about the madness we were both going through, since I knew he was experiencing the same. I didn't feel so lost anymore and I kept running into familiar faces and friends. Soon one of my friends pointed to a tree and told me it was changing colors. I looked at it and couldn't believe what I was seeing. There was a huge lilac-color, alien-looking tree that was pulsating and literally breathing. I had never seen a tree that looked like this EVER before. This was one of the most incredible visuals I had ever experienced in my entire life. After seeing it I ran into another friend who looked really confused and out of it, she took me to see this beautiful necklace that was for sale that was also breathing and pulsating. I then ran into more friends and everyone seemed to be going crazy; no one was making any sense talking. I started to get anxious again and wandered back to the speaker. Cops were coming, some people said, and an announcement proclaimed that someone had gotten violent earlier. Many of the people watching the music had now gone back to their tents, and the whole scene was collapsing. I soon did the same and wandered off, barely finding my tent in the darkness of the night. When I arrived I sat with friends and we babbled on for the rest of the night, and I tried to comprehend all that I had seen, and think about the bizarre initiation ritual I had just undertaken. I couldn't really decide whether I liked it or not, but I soon decided that I would have to do it again.
This world is what we make it.
The music stopped. Something was terribly wrong. The crowd shouted and I waited nervously for the aural wonderland to resume. Without the musical portal to protect me I was alone and terrified in a sea of blurring colors and strange characters. I threw my cigar onto the ground as I started to become scared of what was happening, and I sat on the floor behind me. Intense anxiety ripped my mind to shards and I could not believe what was happening. I looked for comfort in my two friends who accompanied me in my otherworldly adventure.
I could not describe what was happening to my mind but I knew I needed the music back on. I told my friends and they greeted me with a warm smile. Everything would be okay. Barely escaping the anxiety and fear that threatened my very existence, the music came back on and the sea of lazer people among me roared in happiness. I started to dance again, to try to stay afloat and stay alive. After a battle of mind against music my friends walked away so I followed them to a small apocalyptic tent serving bizarre alien soup. Walking was unnatural and I felt as though I was floating. My mind felt detached from my body and as the physical pushed forward my mind stayed in one spot. When I arrived at my destination my mind snapped back into my head and I looked at the people working there. Did they know what was going on?? Could they see all the lights dancing among their vision? I started to get nervous as I realized I was all alone in the world with no one experiencing the same as me. My head melted into thought and then I nervously walked back to the lifeline that was the speakers near the DJ. I danced more for my survival until my friends returned with the alien remedy. I tasted it and spat it out, laughing hysterically at the strange flavor and texture. A girl nearby leaned in and told me to put my head right next to the speaker and deeply breathe in. I tried out this process and took in the sounds escaping from the contraption and smiled with her at the experience. Soon the music was turned down and a message from the sky proclaimed that cars were being towed from the road near this barren landscape. I could barely comprehend the message but I realized that my friend's car may be one of them. I tried warning him and somehow I then got separated from the comfort of both my friends. I wandered to the back of the crowd and looked at the scene on front of me. Bright lights and colors danced everywhere among the lazer people in their bizarre ancient ritual. A strange man who reminded me of a frog tried talking to me and telling me about some upcoming event. I could barely understand what he was saying and I could barely even respond. Social actions were extremely hard to comprehend. He babbled on until a friend I recognized walked by. She greeted me and I tried to tell her I couldn't describe what was happening to myself. I couldn't convey what I was seeing. She soon wandered off and I too wandered, to another loud speaker spilling the aural landscape present around me.
At this point, my mind had melted. I could not comprehend any previously known concepts. Time had shattered, and I was frozen in the present. I could barely remember who I even was. The concept of an ego became obliterated. Coherent thought vanished. I could only think of a few things and I kept asking myself questions. I wasn't sure if I was breathing correctly, and I was afraid that I may die. I kept thinking of loved ones and wishing that they were with me but I knew that I had to be all alone. I kept wondering why I was here and what was the point of the ritual going on, but I settled with the idea that I just had to keep dancing and stay calm. The conductor of revelations continued to shatter my brain with his pulsing rhythms and throbbing basslines, and I literally thought I was going mentally insane. I kept nervously looking around at the strangers present amongst myself and laughed in my head at the comic scene of it all. Everything about my perception was distorted and altered. I was hearing sounds from other astral planes and seeing visuals I could not see in the normal mind. I just continued to dance and nod my head to the music with extreme nervousness and tried to relax. A DJ played two drum and bass songs that I had just recently downloaded at home. I couldn't believe this and could not believe that it was a mere coincidence, he must have known that I was here. These songs made my mind wander and remember that there was a world existent outside of this insane muddy field on the threshold of the world. After a lifetime of experiencing the madness present up by the DJ, I ran into another friend and wandered around with him, listening to him talk and trying to get a few incoherent words in here and there.
I tried explaining to him what was going on in my head, but it was extremely difficult to put into words. We talked the usual talk about recent parties and upcoming events and discussed the current vibe present at the festival. Soon another one of my friends called me on my cellphone so I had him come over to us and I laughed with him about the madness we were both going through, since I knew he was experiencing the same. I didn't feel so lost anymore and I kept running into familiar faces and friends. Soon one of my friends pointed to a tree and told me it was changing colors. I looked at it and couldn't believe what I was seeing. There was a huge lilac-color, alien-looking tree that was pulsating and literally breathing. I had never seen a tree that looked like this EVER before. This was one of the most incredible visuals I had ever experienced in my entire life. After seeing it I ran into another friend who looked really confused and out of it, she took me to see this beautiful necklace that was for sale that was also breathing and pulsating. I then ran into more friends and everyone seemed to be going crazy; no one was making any sense talking. I started to get anxious again and wandered back to the speaker. Cops were coming, some people said, and an announcement proclaimed that someone had gotten violent earlier. Many of the people watching the music had now gone back to their tents, and the whole scene was collapsing. I soon did the same and wandered off, barely finding my tent in the darkness of the night. When I arrived I sat with friends and we babbled on for the rest of the night, and I tried to comprehend all that I had seen, and think about the bizarre initiation ritual I had just undertaken. I couldn't really decide whether I liked it or not, but I soon decided that I would have to do it again.
This world is what we make it.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
apocalyptic toddler
I don't know how I ended up with her, but she was a beautiful little girl. I felt like a father to her, offering guidance and stability. She had a gift, but she did not know how to control it. Terrible events would unveil themselves around her precious little soul. When two men died after trying to approach her, I knew that she had a gift that was not of this world. She cried after this happened, and I held her tight. It was not her fault, she did not mean to do it. But she did. And the events only got worse.
We were in a large public building. Stores and offices all were crammed into the complex; many people going about their daily lives. Sarah started to look sick, and I tried to comfort her. Everything was okay, she only had a stomach ache. In a few minutes however, people started to smell smoke. Some part of the building was on fire. Sarah slowly started getting more sick and incoherent, and panic started to ensue. A huge mob tried to all exit the building at once. People were running from the fire, afraid that it would spread in a violent manner. In the chaos Sarah and I ended up down the street, looking up at the colossal structure amongst the countless other city buildings. Countless people ran by, looking back at the horrific scene unfolding on the beautiful July afternoon. Smoke was billowing out of the top of the building at this point. Some where trapped upstairs because of the fire, and people all over were running for their lives. Sarah had a blank expression as she watched the chaos, and she urged me to stop running. She was crying at the scene on front of her, tears rolling down her precious little face. Then she said a number, "10." Her little voice continued. "9." "8." "7." She continued the countdown, shaking and crying more at each interval. When she approached the number one, a huge explosion ripped the building to pieces. Everyone screamed. People jumped from the top floors. Rubble started to flood down the street towards us, and Sarah blacked out. I grabbed her and ducked under the nearest car, all vision altered from the clouds of rubble enveloping the apocalyptic city street.
You can enter a bookstore today and read plenty of books on the apocalypse. I saw it unfold that day and I know I will see it unfold more. The end is near..
We were in a large public building. Stores and offices all were crammed into the complex; many people going about their daily lives. Sarah started to look sick, and I tried to comfort her. Everything was okay, she only had a stomach ache. In a few minutes however, people started to smell smoke. Some part of the building was on fire. Sarah slowly started getting more sick and incoherent, and panic started to ensue. A huge mob tried to all exit the building at once. People were running from the fire, afraid that it would spread in a violent manner. In the chaos Sarah and I ended up down the street, looking up at the colossal structure amongst the countless other city buildings. Countless people ran by, looking back at the horrific scene unfolding on the beautiful July afternoon. Smoke was billowing out of the top of the building at this point. Some where trapped upstairs because of the fire, and people all over were running for their lives. Sarah had a blank expression as she watched the chaos, and she urged me to stop running. She was crying at the scene on front of her, tears rolling down her precious little face. Then she said a number, "10." Her little voice continued. "9." "8." "7." She continued the countdown, shaking and crying more at each interval. When she approached the number one, a huge explosion ripped the building to pieces. Everyone screamed. People jumped from the top floors. Rubble started to flood down the street towards us, and Sarah blacked out. I grabbed her and ducked under the nearest car, all vision altered from the clouds of rubble enveloping the apocalyptic city street.
You can enter a bookstore today and read plenty of books on the apocalypse. I saw it unfold that day and I know I will see it unfold more. The end is near..
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
dawgs
Haven't updated this blogspot for a while. Here is a thing I wrote for english class about a dream I had a while ago:
Here I am, riding in the passenger’s seat of an old car, passing by all the familiar sights of my small hometown. The grass rolls by as I pass fields and I smile indifferently at old homes and buildings that have been ingrained permanently in my subconscious being. I watch, in astonishment, at the sights present all around the small car. My company does the same. Eyes glued to the window, we all watch. And wait.
Explosions occur in the distance, where enormous masses of fire implode upon the Earth’s surface. Colossal, ominous black clouds choke out all sunlight on the horizon, and they slowly approach us, suffocating all hope and life in the process. All human life is slowly being choked out, like unlucky insects being terminated as pests. Humans obtain this new role, as small pests in the woodwork of a larger and more important purpose. I continue to watch the destruction of mankind as I stand on the threshold of humanity, and show little emotion. I take in the sights in juvenile bravery. No one in the car talks or even comments, as we are all stunned. Silence envelops us all. Time passes before I start to realize what is truly happening, what this scene is truly conveying.
I am young, simply a teenager. Staring a cold, black death in the face is overwhelming. I realize all the broken promises, all the broken dreams and dead emotions. I realize that I am unsatisfied and not ready for this end. Emotion consumes me, but it is not an emotion I visually convey. I continue to sit still in unresponsive unity with my companions. I close my eyes, and the world turns black.
Here I am, riding in the passenger’s seat of an old car, passing by all the familiar sights of my small hometown. The grass rolls by as I pass fields and I smile indifferently at old homes and buildings that have been ingrained permanently in my subconscious being. I watch, in astonishment, at the sights present all around the small car. My company does the same. Eyes glued to the window, we all watch. And wait.
Explosions occur in the distance, where enormous masses of fire implode upon the Earth’s surface. Colossal, ominous black clouds choke out all sunlight on the horizon, and they slowly approach us, suffocating all hope and life in the process. All human life is slowly being choked out, like unlucky insects being terminated as pests. Humans obtain this new role, as small pests in the woodwork of a larger and more important purpose. I continue to watch the destruction of mankind as I stand on the threshold of humanity, and show little emotion. I take in the sights in juvenile bravery. No one in the car talks or even comments, as we are all stunned. Silence envelops us all. Time passes before I start to realize what is truly happening, what this scene is truly conveying.
I am young, simply a teenager. Staring a cold, black death in the face is overwhelming. I realize all the broken promises, all the broken dreams and dead emotions. I realize that I am unsatisfied and not ready for this end. Emotion consumes me, but it is not an emotion I visually convey. I continue to sit still in unresponsive unity with my companions. I close my eyes, and the world turns black.
two things from drawing class
I'll add more later I am experiencing technical difficulties like usual..
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
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