Blacklight Ruckus

This is about a rave I went to last June. It was only my second rave, and only my second time taking rolls. In my inexperience, I accidentally bought a roll that consisted of piperazines, and had an extremely intense experience.

I got to the party around 10 pm, to find a massive line around the building. Several hundred people were there. After I got in I wandered around my surroundings and asked around to see where I could obtain ecstasy. I eventually found an acquaintance and bought one “orange elephant” pill.

I ingested the pill at some time around 11-11:30. (I did not have any source of time with me, but this is a rough estimate) I did not really feel much for a little while, and spent my time dancing to the music and talking with friends. Finally while I was dancing I started to feel something, and I got a burst of energy. (As I look back now, this was probably partially the effect of placebo and this being my second rave, although I was definitely feeling SOMETHING) I spent a great deal of time dancing nonstop to a DJ spinning some drum and bass. I did not realize how much energy I was using in dancing and did not realize how tired I was until a while later. I took a break and got water, and after this I went and sat in a chill room that was in the building, where a DJ was playing some downtempo music. I talked to some strangers and had a lot of fun conversing with them. I remember one fond moment where I had my eyes closed, looked next to me, and saw a guy twice my age smiling at everything. He then smiled at me, I smiled back, and then I closed my eyes again. The mutual display of happiness made me feel warm inside. Even though I did feel energy and minor empathy, the experience was definitely different and not as intense as what I had experienced when I first rolled two months earlier, which I believe was with a very good pill.

Anyways, I spent more time wandering around and dancing, and then I very quickly came down from my pill, dropped from the high I was feeling. The time was probably only around 1:30 or 2. I then felt EXTREMELY irritated and a little bit depressed. The pill definitely couldn’t have been MDMA. I still have no idea what the pill consisted of. A search on pillreports brought up no “orange elephants” from this time period. I think the pill was probably something stimulant-related, and the feeling of empathy I imagined was probably just the result of hopeful thoughts created by placebo. I know a few of my friends took the orange elephants too and had a great time, but they did take more than one. Maybe there was a very small amount of MDMA in the pill, but I guess I will never really know. The experience was very confusing for me, since the rolling experience I had two months earlier lasted hours, with a great afterglow. However, there was SOMETHING in the pill, since I did feel a bad and quick comedown. I think placebo was involved but it was DEFINITELY not all placebo.

At this point I was in a pretty bad mood. I still talked to a lot of people, but it was difficult feeling connected to them. I felt strung out and depressed. I told some people that my roll had already wore off. I was feeling very disappointed, and wanted to buy another roll. After some more searching I found a girl who was selling yellow pills shaped like stars from Mario video games, complete with two eye indents in the middle. I told her I was disappointed with the orange elephant and she assured me that these were better, even saying that they were “molly.” This perked my interests so I bought the pill without a second thought. I was excited to take a better pill.

Looking back I was such a novice at the time. This was only my second rave, and I was oblivious to pill information, and would believe anyone. Obviously the pill was not molly, as molly is really supposed to come in powder.
(To interject here, a search on pillreports now for the yellow Mario star proves that this is in fact, a piperazine pill. Many people say that it is most likely BZP and TFMPP combined.)

I bit half and swallowed, and the taste really stayed in my mouth. (As I look back now, I know that this was the signature taste exhibited by the notorious piperazines many people hate) The time was probably around 2 or 2:30. I sat down with a friend as I waited for the pill to kick in, still in a pretty depressed mood from the other pill. In only a short wait, I suddenly felt very intense rushing coursing up my spine, very similar to what I had felt when I had rolled two months earlier. I abruptly stood up and got very excited. The feelings of true MDMA were about to return to my mind and body.

Soon after, however, the rushes stopped and everything suddenly slowed down to a crawl. I felt like I was in another world. Coherent thought was nonexistent. Walking was difficult, and I felt like a zombie straight from a George Romero film. I knew that this was DEFINITELY not MDMA. While I had the benefit of the doubt with the other pill, I knew this was something entirely different. I felt alienated and distanced from everyone around me. I ventured to the chill room and for what seemed like eternity, stood in one spot spinning my Astrojax toy over and over in the same manner. The best way I could describe this was that my mode of thought was smashed with a hammer and replaced with white noise. I had never tripped before this night, but I thought that what I was feeling seemed more like what people describe tripping as than anything else. I did not see or hear anything nonexistent but I definitely FELT like I was in another world. I felt completely emotionless and indifferent to everything. If someone suddenly died I would probably barely notice. It was as if I had become a completely apathetic zombie that could not display any real emotion. Internal dialogue was SCREAMING, and relaxation was impossible.

After a long time of playing with my Astrojax I stumbled over to the room next to the chill room and found some kids I had briefly talked to earlier. I was feeling completely messed up and I needed some people to talk with, so I sat down with them. For the next couple hours we mumbled words to one another and bonded together. They also had the yellow Mario stars and were in the same boat as me. One of the girls was so messed up that she lay on her back staring at the ceiling with this almost horrified expression for most of the time. At one point we tried to get up and go into the next room and dance to the music. I tried dancing, but I felt extremely sick after only a couple minutes and needed to sit back down, so we went back to the other room once more.

I remember I could barely form sentences and instead just mumbled a few incoherent words here and there. The jaw-clenching was unbearable, and I kept spinning my body in a circle as I sat on the ground. It was like my very being had fully embodied a feeling of intense and nervous anxiety. I remember a few of my friends saw me and excitedly waved hello, and all I did was stare at them. I could not even really feel happy to see them. I remember that was a very messed up occurrence.

I kept staring at one of the girls I was sitting with, and she kept staring at me. It was like we were communicating through just eye contact, and I remember starting to feel as though I was falling in love with her. We gave each other back massages, and I remember really feeling like I was in love with her. I felt like I was irritated by everything and that the group I was with, and especially this one girl, were beams of light in the darkness. At one point the girl went to go smoke a cigarette outside and I remember being scared that I wouldn’t see her again. Two of my friends that I came to the rave with sat with me for a little, and I remember telling them I was sorry if I was acting really strange. I tried to describe what I was feeling, but it was very difficult.

The night was slowly coming to a close and the rave was almost over. I somehow stumbled over to the bathroom and remember seeing myself in the mirror. I looked disgusting and really worn out. I remember peeing for the first time since hours and hours ago, and it was very difficult to do so. The urinary retention was bad.

I was now stumbling around the building. It was 5 am, and there was only an hour left until the rave ended. I went in one room and heard happy hardcore music, and this pissed me off a lot. That was the last straw. I was going out to the car.

Right before I went outside there was this guy who had to be in his late 20’s laying down by the exit. A friend I was with and I stopped and looked at him. He stumbled to his feet, only to fall back down again. He told us in this demented, creepy voice, “I am SO fucked up right now.” Rather than this being comical or somewhat funny, I found it very disturbing. Here was an adult man who could not even walk, and the party was practically over. He then told us that he had eaten twelve rolls, of four different types. I told him good luck, and went out to the car.

The people I had met earlier and sat with for hours were outside waiting for someone to pick them up. I went and sat with them and tried laughing at the crazy night that had just happened. At this point my mind would trick me into feeling sober, but then I would slide right back into the demonic piperazine mindset. I hugged all of my new friends as they left, and got their numbers in order to stay in touch. I am still friends with that group to this day.

Then I waited in the van I came in until all my friends had finally left the building. I was extremely irritable and felt intense annoyance, bordering on hatred, for everything.

The hour and a half car ride was a hell ride. Most of my friends still felt pretty good and were excitedly talking to each other the whole time. Their happiness pissed me off, and their loud voices were unbearable. I sat with my head in my hands and tried my hardest to relax, but I couldn’t. It was like the white noise in my head had gotten even louder. I remember telling them about how messed up I felt, and we were trying to brainstorm what could have been in the Mario star. None of us had ever heard of piperazines before, so we obviously didn’t even think of it. I honestly convinced myself that the pill had heroin in it. It was the only drug that seemed similar to what I was feeling. I had never done heroin before, but I had read about it, and I honestly thought my experience seemed similar. Looking back, I was definitely being a novice again, because I now know that heroin is VERY rarely in a roll, if ever. It is pretty scary, however, that I actually thought that I had gotten heroin.

When I finally arrived at my house I remember that I was scared I would have to deal with my parents, as I wouldn’t be able to even at this time. Luckily, I didn’t even see them and I went straight up to my room. I then lay trying to sleep for the whole morning. I was in a state of being half asleep, half awake, and I remember I felt like my mind and thoughts were put into overdrive, internal dialogue still screaming. Being by myself made me less irritated, but more internally focused, which was a little scary. I remember going on facebook and incoherently browsing around for a few minutes. Mentally, I felt terribly sick. I could not relax at all, and I felt like I was having a psychotic episode. After hours of lying in this state, I finally got up around 12:30 pm and went downstairs to take a shower. Ten hours after I took the HALF pill and I finally felt SOMEWHAT sober.
The whole day I felt very lethargic, and I barely ate. I remember being amazed after discovering I had lost five pounds in one night, when I weighed myself in my bathroom.

This night really was an awakening for me, as it exposed me to the dark side of rave and drug culture. My first rave was filled with smiling people, and an amazing ecstasy experience. My second rave was filled with a bunch of messed up teenagers and very dirty pills. Piperazines are definitely MDMA’s evil, satanic twins. MDMA is an innocent and fun, cute little being while piperazines are an evil and demonic beast straight from hell. I do not regret my experience in any way, as it was an extremely interesting night, and I met some amazing people. However, I never want to experience the piperazine mindset ever again. I hope other people will learn from my mistake and be more knowledgeable about the rolls they consume.